Healing the Divide

A house divided against itself cannot stand. –Abraham Lincoln

What is really going on when you beat yourself up? In an assault situation, there’s a perpetrator, a victim, and sometimes a witness. When you assault yourself, you have divided yourself into these different parts. And you rationalize the beating by saying that the victim, which is yourself, deserved it somehow for being wrong or bad, or needs the “motivation” to straighten up and fly right. Have you ever heard these excuses given in response to a civil assault? The result is outrage. Where is the outrage when you abuse yourself in this way? And why is your “witness” part standing idly by and watching this all play out?

Last night I was listening over and over to “Halfway Right,” one of the last songs Chester Bennington of Linkin Park wrote before he took his own life.* The lyrics illustrate this dynamic perfectly. The verses allude to some cryptic, horrible mistake he made while high behind the wheel one night, and then comes the chorus:

I scream at myself when there’s nobody else to fight
I don’t lose, I don’t win, if I’m wrong, then I’m halfway right
I know what I want, but It feels like I’m paralyzed
I don’t lose, I don’t win, if I’m wrong, then I’m halfway right

What a heartbreaking choice for someone to make. I know, because I’ve been there, many times. I’m sure many of you can relate as well. We’re socialized to look for someone or something to BLAME for everything we see as “wrong.” When we recognize the object of blame, we lash out at it, because we really think that’s how to “fix” it. But when there is no outside entity clearly at fault, we determine that it must be ourself which is to blame, and play out the same pattern of violence by lashing out on the inside.

So who “wins” in this scenario? Let’s say the violent part “wins” by beating the blamed part into submission, which then is seen as “losing.” Or let’s say the blamed part “wins” by withstanding the abuse and not being “defeated” by the violent part. Either way, you end up feeling “halfway right” (and halfway wrong) because you neither lose nor win entirely. I would submit that in this scenario, it’s always a total loss for you. Not only do you FEEL paralyzed, but you actually are, because of your inability to take any kind of productive action, nor have you really learned anything of value or grown because of your experience. It also feels like paralysis because we get really good at numbing out the painful emotions this pattern inevitably brings.

Some may argue that beating themselves up actually does bring them positive results, and that by keeping themselves whipped, they accomplish their goals. But at what cost? Slavery did produce results by way of huge profits for plantation owners in the South, but it came at the steep price of the wounded hearts of both slave and slave-driver.

Kristin Neff, the pioneering researcher in the field of Self-Compassion, has done dozens of studies which show that beating ourselves up is actually the opposite of helpful. Think about it. If you beat yourself up every time you make a mistake, how likely are you going to be to pick yourself up and try again, or attempt something new or difficult? You probably wouldn’t; you’d shut down, in fear of the possibility of a beating. Also, think of a parent berating a child who brings home a poor report card. Is this action likely to bring the child’s grades up? Or would it be more motivating to sit down with the child and come up with an improvement plan, all while encouraging him that you know he’s capable of more and that you love him regardless?

By being kind and loving to ourselves, our capacity expands exponentially. Because loving ourselves results in a “whole” person, we become much more attuned to our true purpose, and our authentic goals unfold before us. We courageously strive, even when the chance of failure is huge, quickly forgiving and learning from our own mistakes and moving on. Our life manifests an abundant cycle of accepting and loving, giving and receiving, instead of the downward vortex of blaming and shaming, taking and losing.

Choosing to be wholehearted, to be merciful and kind to myself, is an ongoing journey that has brought me so much joy and peace. Stopping the cycle of self-blame and learning to love myself has also radiated outward and improved my relationships by helping me accept and love every person in my life as well. If you would like some support on your own journey, I can give you some tools that for me have proved invaluable. Please reach out! The wholehearted life is worth every effort, and it’s never too late to turn these patterns around!

 

*Disclaimer: I don’t presume to know the reasons behind Chester’s suicide. I am merely trying to show that he clearly understood this pattern well enough to portray it in such a way. The person who wrote these lyrics knows how it feels to be divided against himself, whether or not this led to suicide.

The Power of Identity

“The strongest force in the human psyche is the need to remain consistent with our own definition of ourselves—our identity. In other words, once we decide who we are as a person, then we will give ourselves no choice but to find a way to be consistent with that perception. However, many of us settle for an identity that is less than our true capability, so our job as leaders is to help others raise and expand their identity.” – Tony Robbins
 
The kind of person we believe we are determines everything that we do. So if you want to change your behavior, don’t focus on that. First, work on shifting your beliefs about yourself. Believe that you already are the person you want to be, and you will start to think, speak, and act that way until you become that.
 
When I was a teenager, I was insecure, shy, and fearful about talking to people I didn’t know well, especially adults. It was incapacitating at times, and I didn’t have the kind of relationships I wanted. After graduating from high school, I decided to become a new person: outgoing, fun, confident, social. I was headed to BYU where nobody knew me yet, which made it easier to shift this. It wasn’t “natural,” but it worked, and I had a great time in college. Plus, I never would have met my husband nor entered the teaching profession had I stayed my “old self.”
 
I’m still working on being more natural in interacting with people. The old fears and insecurities still creep up, but I’m usually able to ignore those and be intentional in how I show up. I’m loving how interesting and FUN it is to meet people and get to know them!
 
If you struggle with holding yourself to the identity you desire, get a mentor. He or she can hold that standard for you until you believe it, and help you remove what’s stopping you. It’s so worth it. There is so much joy to be found in loving who you are! How do YOU want to start showing up in the world?